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How to Work the Change Triangle: A Map to Emotional Well-Being

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel ’04 MSW
2 Mins ReadFordham MagazineBy
A smiling woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a light blue blouse, standing with her hands on her hips in front of large bookshelves filled with books.
Through her psychotherapy practice, two books, and hundreds of other resources, Hilary Jacobs Hendel shares a tool to help people learn from and embrace their emotions. Photo by Taylor Ha ’20 MA

Grounded in neuroscience and trauma-informed care, the Change Triangle is a step-by-step guide to emotional health. It can help us manage upsetting moments, understand ourselves more deeply, feel more calm, and build our resilience.

An inverted triangle diagram titled "The Change Triangle," adapted by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, illustrating a psychological path toward emotional authenticity. Top-Left Corner (Defenses): Labeled "Anything we do to avoid emotions." Top-Right Corner (Inhibitory Emotions): Labeled "Anxiety, shame, guilt." Bottom Point (Core Emotions): Labeled "Fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement." Flow: A large white arrow curves from the top corners down toward the bottom point. Below the triangle, a vertical arrow points further down to a final section. Bottom Section (Openhearted State of the Authentic Self): Labeled with the qualities "Calm, connected, curious, compassionate." The background is a muted blue-gray, and the triangle itself is a soft pink.
The Change Triangle, illustration courtesy of Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Here’s how to work the Change Triangle yourself.

1. Check in with Your Mind and Body

Take stock of your mental state. Are you worrying about the future? Ruminating on the past? Are you beating yourself up with negative thoughts? Are you curious and present? Just become aware.

2. Notice Your Breathing

Is it shallow or deep? Fast or slow? Experiment with slow, deep abdominal breathing. Keep your chest down, allow your stomach to pop out like a Buddha, and imagine sending air through your core to your feet. Hold your breath briefly to sense the internal pressure, then slowly exhale through pursed lips. Feel yourself relax.

3. Scan for Tension and Calm

As you breathe slowly and deeply, scan your body from head to toe. Without judging yourself or trying to fix anything, notice where you feel tension. Where do you feel most calm, solid, or still? Breathe and relax into that calm spot for 10 seconds or more. Allow yourself to slow way down and enjoy these moments.

4. Name Your Feelings

As you slowly scan your mind and body, do you feel anxiety? Sadness? Fear? Anger? Joy? Excitement? Shame? Guilt? Calm? Name and validate all the emotions you feel. If there are many, imagine expanding to accommodate them all.

5. Locate Yourself on the Change Triangle

Which corner best represents your state of mind? Defenses, inhibitory emotions, core emotions? The goal is to move toward the calm, connected, curious, compassionate state below the triangle.

For every step above, strive to approach yourself with curiosity and kindness, putting aside judgment. This is a lifelong practice, not something you’ll perfect right away.

—Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, earned an MSW from Fordham’s Graduate School of Social Service in 2004. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor, and the author of two books, It’s Not Always Depression (2018) and Parents Have Feelings, Too (2025).

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